His father's child after all

Tonight you made me so very sad. In a fit of anger because I wouldn't let you do something or another, you tore the growth chart off your door and ripped it up. In that one moment when I opened your door and I saw what you had done, every broken precious thing to me that your father threw and broke, smashed into the wall and broke... it all came flooding back. That little chart means nothing to you. As a child, it's just another piece of paper hanging on a wall. But to your mother it was two years of memories. Two years of tracking your growing and watching you turn from a little pudge ball of a baby into a skinny young little boy. You are on your way to being a man and all I can pray is that mean hearted spirit that inhabited your father does not live strongly in you. And tonight my heart is sad. Because I am afraid that no matter how I raise you, at the heart of you will always lie some of those "sins of the father"... and your father was such an ugly person on the inside. And in the way you showed no remorse for destroying something that meant something to me, oh... so sad

Little boy/man

Toby is changing so much. There is this fierce independence that frustrates me while at the same time makes me proud. He is getting smarter in the ways of adults and can understand many of the little tricks we pull to get our kids to do what we want.

For a long time he has had this little red tricycle. Honestly I think Grammy bought it for him when he just turned 2. He has ridden that little bike by pushing it with his feet. We were starting to think he was like bike challenged or something. Grammy pushed him around with her cane on the back of his little cargo hold which was pretty funny to watch. Now one day I went to pick him up from school and saw the strangest site... there was little ol Toby riding a tricycle around on the bike track. He was not pushing with his feet... oh no, the little trickster had figured out how to ride the bike the right way... but didn't let on at all at home. But he ratted on himself yesterday on accident and now, well, he spent about 8 hours riding in circles in Grammy's house today. And out in the parking lot. And on the sidewalk. Little stinker!

No regrets

There is that moment where we look at our child and realize that they are no longer our dear sweet baby but are now on their way to adolescence. And while I go through some soul searching which will be documented shortly in my other blog, I realize that my life has been so blessed by my son.

Tonight I am very sad. My mom's wonderful friend GayAnn lies in the hospital on life support. Life support that isn't going to change anything... that the end result will still be the end of her life. GayAnn is one of the people who I consider to be an honorary grandparent to Toby. Since Mike is not in my life and his family is long gone too, I have found people along the way who act in the place of grandparents that he won't ever have. As a result of these people coming into his life, my life has been blessed.

I look at how my life has been transformed in the past almost three years. And I look at this sweet precious gift that God has allowed me to have in my life. And I realize that there is no moment of pain, no moment of those years I spent with Mike that I would trade if it meant giving up this wonderful child. In all of that smartness, that smart butt humor, that smile that lights up my world; I have begun to heal.